SMart Monotony
by xoshade
Summary: For anyone who ever worked in the retail trade....and hated it.


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S-Mart Monotony  
An Army of Darkness 'S-Mart ending' short story written in crayon by **xoshade**.  

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> "Huh! Cattle!" 
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> Ash gently berated the kid, "Now, Reggie, how many times have I told you....? It's pronounced 'Customers'".
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> "Words of wisdom from a guy who's mopping up spilt Pepsi...." He turned his attention back to his co-worker, "What are you doing with that mop?! It's unhealthy, the things you get up to."
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> "I was just...alleviating my boredom." 
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> "Yeah, is **that** what they're calling it these da- Hold up, here comes Mister Big Shot."
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> The smarmy git in the blue suit walked over to the edge of the expanding pool of fizzy liquid and expressed his disapproval, "For crying out loud! Put more effort into clearing this mess up, Williams. You must be the slackest slacker God ever created! I don't know why they let you loose around here - You're disabled for Christ's sake!" And with that, he headed off to the manager's office to practise the ancient art of sucking up to the boss.
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> Ash considered, "Why does he always have to bring religion into it?"
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> "Three months in middle-management and already he's acting like a good little Nazi. **You** should have gotten that promotion, Ash, not some boardroom brown-noser."
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> "Wha'? And give up my title as 'The Slackest Slacker God Ever Created'?" He got back to mopping the puddle of Pepsi towards the darkened seclusion offered beneath the Fresh-juice-in-cartons rack, "He bugs me, though, I'll admit that. 'Ash- Mop this floor', 'Ash- Tidy these shelves', 'Ash- Drink poison and die'. I'm telling you - I seriously think the jerk hates me."
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> "Well, when you're done with this, you can go help Jerry over at the Cut-Price Shoe counter. That should cheer you up." 
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> "Ah, I **knew** there was a reason for living. Cut-Price Shoes - Getting a pair of high-heels one size smaller than the lady's feet, just so you can **help** her into them. What I wouldn't give to lend my shoe-horning services to one of those waitresses from _Riffiki's_ across the car lot."
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> "Chances are, girls like that won't ever buy high-heels in this store, especially not on a weekday. No, it'll be the middle-aged mothers you'll get this time. Or the grannies."
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> A shudder of revulsion swept through Ash's bones, "Better give **them** the correct shoe size, then. Ohhh, ohhh, the horror, the horror." 
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> "Something tells me you don't much care for the older women of this town, Mr. Williams. Am I right?"
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> "Is the pope Dutch?"
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> "....No."
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> "Oh, um, what is he?"
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> "Dunno."
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> "Well, whatever he is, **that's** what he is and....Yeah, I like the young hot babes in their see-through negligees."
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> "You're not likely to get many of **those** over at the Cut-Price Shoe counter."
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> "That's OK, I don't have a shoe-fetish, I'd be quite happy to see them in their unseeable clothing **anywhere** in the store." 
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"Senile bitch." 
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> "What was that, young man?" 
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> "Uh, nothing ma'am," Jerry popped his head up from behind the counter, "Those shoes you have there don't come in white."
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> "Don't toy with me, I've seen them in the Happy Buyer Hyper Mart down the road." 
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> "Well, erm...Why didn't you buy them there then?"
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> "**BECAUSE** they're four dollars...out of my price-range, that's **WHY**. As if it's any of **YOUR** business, now go into the back room and check for the same style, the same size and the same price, but in **WHITE**. do you **THINK** you can handle that?" She folded her arms and shot him a terrifying glance.
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> Jerry wimpered, "I've seen Hell."
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> "What did you say?!" 
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> "Nothing, ma'am."
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> "Why aren't you checking for my shoes?"
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> "But, ma'am, all the shoes we have are out here on display. There aren't anymore shoes in the whole store...'cept the ones that are on people's feet already..."
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> "**ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?!!!**"
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> Jerry ducked down behind the counter once again, "Oh, no, ma'am, not me."
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> "I know you've got a **SPECIAL** storeroom, otherwise where do you put all the white shoes? Hmm?" She tapped her feet impatiently.
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> Jerry gulped, "We don't have a storeroom for shoes."
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> The woman whispered to him, "I shall scream."
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> "Eh?"
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> "I shall scream if you don't go and look for my white shoes."
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> Jerry cowered from sight. The woman took in a lung full of screamer-friendly air. Jerry prayed that he would still be employed this time tomorrow. He closed his eyes. No scream occurred. He opened his eyes. He heard Ash's voice, "I'm terribly sorry, ma'am, he's **new**. I'm sure you know how the kids can be when all they want is to earn a couple a bucks for the video games. No care for decent service."
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> "Well, that's certainly true." 
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> "Tell you what, if you'd like to wait patiently for a few minutes, I'll go into the storeroom and look for those white shoes." 
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> "Same style. Same size. Same price."
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> "Same style, same size and exactly the same price. If you don't mind taking a seat, I'll go and check the inventory **personally**."
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> "Why, that would be most helpful."
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> Footsteps. By the time Jerry had emerged from the safety of the counter, Ash was gone and there was the woman - Waiting patiently on the chair nearest the mirror. Jerry wondered what sorcery was at Ash's disposal. The woman was even smiling now. 
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Ash walked out to the back of the building where the delivery vans were pulling in and out of the loading bay. The weather was pleasant enough so he lay down next to the blocked-off fire exit and closed his eyes.
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> Devon walked over, "Hey, Ash! Checking the inventory again?"
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> "Yep. You know, one day, we may actually have something to check. Wouldn't that be something?"
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> "Dream on....Oh! I heard today that Shania Twain was cryogenically preserved for six years in some remote Canadian territory."
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> "She get locked in S-Mart's walk-in freezer aswell then?" 
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> "Don't joke. I **still** have nightmares about that."
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> A slime-coloured van with "Industrial West Hygene Inc." on the side pulled up next to Ash's position. He sat up and watched as the seven-strong cleaning crew deployed themselves in military fashion. One militant janitor caught his eye, "Ooohhh, baby...."
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> "Quite a stunner, yeah? That's Maria, the new migrant worker they brought in to vacuum the offices."
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> "Wow, with lips like those, I bet she has great suction."
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> "Shush! She's **pretty**, not deaf!" They spent a moment in silence, basking in the beauty of Miss Maria. Their lustful looks did not go unnoticed. Industrial West Hygene Inc. began to off-load their equipment.
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> Devon's voice took on a serious tone,"You know, Maniac Pete at the 7-11 told me that violence was a great turn-on for the chicks, I was wondering - Would you let me rough you up a litt-OW!....Bastard."
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> "Hey! It didn't work, she's leaving!"
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> "Not surpised. Not even Maniac Pete is taken to such **spontaneous** outbursts of violence on his defenceless compatriots....ouch...Don't you have to **be** somewhere?"
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> "I **am** being somewhere."
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> "Somewhere distant."
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> He stood to leave and then - he left.
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> "I'm sorry ma'am, I **did** look awfully hard for **any** white shoes, but I'm afraid my supervisor has informed me that we've just run out of stock on this particular style of footware." He expressed a look of utter despair.
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> "Ah, well, can't be helped. At least **some** people still understand the meaning of decent service these days," and with that, she drove all the way back to Happy Buyer Hyper Mart and forgot what colour it was that she wanted, spreading grief to all in the Happy Buyer Shoe Emporium. 
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Reggie tapped Ash on the shoulder, "Trouble from the Bat Cave. The High Manager of All Things Retail has descended upon us. Someone's going to get fired before the day is out." 
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> "It's not the Anita the pyromaniac from the Delicatessen is it? Aw, she was real sweet, smiled at me and **everything**. Pity about those two 'accidents'....but Raffiki's looks better with smoky black edges around the doors, if you ask me. Anita seriously **is** Hot Stuff. Now, if I could take her to a game without worrying about the flamability of the bleachers, Anita and me would have something cosy going on. I wouldn't be standing talking to **you** right now, that's for sure....What?"
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> "Not her. It's between you and three-month old Mister Yes-Man." 
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> Ash shook his head, "I **need** this job, Reggie. My disability allowance alone isn't going to pay the rent." 
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> "Well, I **could** tell Mr. Worral that I think you're a swell guy, but, gee, somehow I don't envision that saving your ass, you know?" 
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> "College students (!)"
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> "At least **I** appreciate all the hard work you put into this job."
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> "All you do is stand around watching me do all that hard work."
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> "That's why I appreciate it; If I did anything useful **myself** I wouldn't have the time to appreciate anything you do."
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> "Ohhh, thanks Reggie. That gives me a real warm fuzzy feelin' inside."
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> "Mr. Worral wants you both in his office....sixteen minutes ago."
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> "Well, he's just the head honcho of the corporation that runs all our lives, he won't mind if The Slackest Slacker God Ever Created is fashionably late, will he?"
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> "Um, actually, I think it's gone past being fashionable. Now it's just being absent." 
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"Gentlemen, one of you is to take a voluntary redundacy. And I'm going to select the volunteer. First, the demerits of your work with us - Mr. Townsend, I have received over a dozen complaints from female staff members concerning your lewd conduct. May I remind you that S-Mart is an equal opportunities employer and I don't want these complaints to interfere with our reputation. Am I understood?"
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> "Yes sir."
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> "'Mr.Worral' will do." 
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> "Yes sir, Mr.Worral sir. Might I say, sir, how-"
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> "You also have three traffic violations. **That** is unforgiveable, endangering American youth like that."
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> "Yes Mr.Worral, sir."
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> "And **YOU**, Mr. Williams - **YOUR** demerits. You are prone to insanity and hallucinations....What was the event reported only last Thursday? You said that a demon of 'immense antiquity and unimaginable power' was in the toy section, speaking to you through...What was it now? Ah, yes....A grey Furby."
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> "It insulted my mother."
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> "Anyway....To the **merits** of your time spent with us: Mr. Townsend, you have shown enthusiasm and management skills sorely lacking in much of the workforce here. You are never late for an appointment," Mr. Worral eyed Ash, "and you always abide by the decisions of The Management. Commendable."
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> Townsend sat straighter in his chair. Ash slouched a little. 
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> Mr.Worral arranged on his desktop clippings from various newspapers, so that Townsend could see, "On the other hand, we have Mr. Williams, who defended the store against three Uzi-armed anti-democratic terrorists last month using nothing more than a Quick Tag gun from Cut-Price Menswear and the phrase, 'Taste polypropylene, scum-suckers'. Ahem. As you can probably see, Mr. Townsend, I'm afraid that Mr. Williams is just too valuable an asset for us to lose."
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> Ash smiled, "If that's all, Mr.Worral, I'll be getting back to work now."
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> Triumphant, he headed straight for the Delicatessen to claim his prize. A date with Miss Anita the firestarter. Well, not exactly "straight" to the Deli, he sort of diverted en-route to take in the glory that was Vacu-Suck Maria, (as she would be known as in times to come).  

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> Please feel free to stop reading at any time.


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